indian satire

a drama of death

2005-10-20T23:30:00.000-07:00

After the episode of Lord Ganesh drinking milk that made even the cynics pause for breath, it was the day of the living and the dead. A 75 year old priest Sri Kunjilal Malaviya of Betul district of MP declared that he would die between 3 pm and 4 pm on 20th October 2005 – the day happened to be his birthday as well!

Immediately one of the leading TV networks descended on the scene and positioned their reporter at the site. Throughout the day, he provided a minute by minute commentary of what was happening in a remote, unknown village. To complete the charade, experts were invited in the studios of the TV channel and their opinions sought. And, by roping in psychologists, astrologers and cynics through tele-conferencing, it was nothing but sensational journalism. Since this also happened to be the day of the Karwaa Chauth, a festival in which wives pray for the long lives of their husbands, the complete episode carried serious undertones. The channel lost no time in trying to gauge the pulse of viewers and promptly asked for responses via SMS. As predicted by the majority, Kunjilal-ji remained hale and hearty after the deadline expired.

The gentleman is an astrologer. He has not disclosed the method by which he deduced his moment of death – the fact that it did not take place is a plus point for all his well wishers, especially for his immediate family who prayed continuously that he return from the doors of Yamaraj. It would have been in the fitness of things if he had collapsed intentionally to give an indication that he is on his way to Fame. That would have prompted the doctors in attendance to ensure that he did not move out of this world! Kunjilal-ji could then have narrated how he had come face to face with Yamaraj and how he finally overcame the attractions of the nether world.

The incident proves once again that with the cut throat competition all around and to attract the maximum number of eyeballs and retain the number one slot, the media will go to any length – the other day it was a sting operation in which viewers had a glimpse of the mass scale bribery rampant in government offices. Next we were treated to scenes of a policeman caning a person – the person had entered a polling booth and carried with him guns, bottles of booze and hundreds of bank notes. He happened to be the brother of a Central Minister. The intention of such reporting is to make realization dawn that drastic steps are necessary to combat evils of this nature. But, this seldom happens. Such explicit visuals will, ultimately, go to the archives.

another interesting link –

amaar duniya

the ten proposals

2005-01-20T06:23:00.000-08:00

(this is in continuation to ‘Budging from a dull Budget’)

First – introduce a new Tax for film producers. Termed as the Location Tax, it is to be paid whenever they move out to foreign locations to shoot half of a reel of utter nonsense. This Tax should be 10% of first week’s gross earnings. Normally, films nowadays do not have any earning potential after the first week. This Tax will be waived if the Location is in India.

Second – introduce one more tax, the Music Tax for loud blaring music. Make it mandatory that the music is to be produced with not more than four instruments. 10% of gross earnings should be charged as tax in case the decibel level cross the threshold of decency. Also, advance release of music cassettes/videos of forthcoming films must be covered under this category.

Third – introduce a Clothing Tax on the apparel of dancers and artistes. If the exposed portion of the body is less than 30%, this Tax becomes chargeable. The amount payable as tax will depend upon the number of performers and the number of seconds’ duration.

Fourth – let us have a taxation system for all shopkeepers and vendors in the markets who are allotted stalls. Let the local municipal authorities or the borough in-charges or the sarpanches collect a fixed rate of two rupees or five rupees per day. Little drops of water, little grains of sand ……

Fifth – tax all Nursing Homes based on the number of beds and cabins it has. Collection of this tax also should come under the purview of the local administration. Here also, a fixed amount should be paid in line with what is outlined above. Records in a particular nursing home would be available with the authorities because the approval for start of such services has to be given by them. So – assessment of what is payable can be worked out quite unambiguously.

Sixth – tax all coaching and tutorial classes. It is not difficult to find out the number of students who come to each coaching class. A flat rate of five rupees per student per subject per day can be easily thought of for introduction.

Seventh – introduce an Offspring Tax for those with more than two children. 5% of assessed income to be paid as tax per child beyond two. The assessment of income is to be done separately by a group of ten neighbors who should forward their findings to an independent body in a sealed envelope via registered post.

Eighth – yet another Tax that can be considered for introduction. A Tax on food. This Food Tax will be applicable if a family relies on eating out on a regular basis. How can one keep a tab on this? Simple – this is to be vouched for by the maid who comes in to do the dishes. She will be empowered to maintain a roster of how many days in a month she discovers that there are no dishes to clean.

Ninth – instead of publishing an exception list once in a while of high profile characters tax evaders; let us have a newspaper Supplement – once a year – on the tax actually paid by all these persons. They can be grouped into – screen/TV personalities, sportspersons, politicians, businessmen, industrialists, administrative group including the police. This will be more meaningful to the commoner. A glance at such information will help them form an idea of the credibility of these persons and how honest they are. I am doubtful if there will be any sponsors for such noble activities – it has, therefore, to be charged to overheads by the newspapers.

Tenth – abolish Income Tax consultants. They do more harm than good. They keep their pockets well lined, they maintain their lifestyles fully oiled but they never declare their incomes and deprive the Government from its dues by advising assesses on how to escape from the IT net. The authorities lose out on both the counts!

Since I have already earned the reputation of posting ‘too lengthy blogs’, I leave it to fellow bloggers to add to the list.

of accidents and limericks

2005-01-17T21:59:00.000-08:00

It was not a fire but an accident
Said the Minister to the Parliament
We have searched all places
But could find no traces
Of any sinister involvement.

‘Politics doesn’t mix with chop sticks’,
Said the pack of chips to the masala mix.
‘Let us rule the roost
With toffee and boost
The morals of the one and only Sphinx.’

When aloo vanishes, Kaloo wrings his arms
‘How can I now relish my gulab jaams?
A heavy dose of mashed potatoes
If processed can soon decompose
Into good manure that can go to my farms.’

The clown one day refused to budge
It seems his horse had kicked the judge
So the ring master swore -
‘You’re no better than a bore
Who hasn’t yet learnt how to fudge.’

There was this young girl of the Doon
Who wanted to sing on the Moon
So she hired a sleek cab
And flew to the space Lab
To prove that she could also croon.

They met in the foyer and ran to the square
He held her hand tight and she asked – ‘where?’
‘To the bus stand fast,
Its already half past -
We must be there in time for the choir.’

fooling is the name of the game

2005-01-16T23:15:00.000-08:00

How to ruin friends and fool around with the people is an art that takes up a lot of ones time. The amount of time that we devote to finding out ways and means of achieving our objective, if put to more constructive use, could make even God Almighty blush. The idle brain is the Devil’s workshop, so the saying goes. And who knows this better than you and me. We are forever trying out theories on how best to prove our one upmanship by pulling down our rivals. When we travel to work, our mental faculties work overtime to come up with methods of how best to pull down our colleagues – whether he (or she) is a close friend of the family is immaterial. Close friend is supposed to be interpreted as ‘someone who visits us and to whom we return the visit’. If he comes thrice a year, we also return the compliments thrice a year. This is the way the World goes. You or I cannot will it to go otherwise. Best sellers have been churned out on this topic, movies and serials have been made out of them and critics have come up with newer and newer methods of dissection and analysis.

We all know it is not good manners to talk ill about others, especially those near and dear to you like your neighbors, friends and relatives. Unfortunately, that is just how we gain maximum pleasure. The philosophy of ‘I am OK, you are OK’ is never put into practice. Majority of us believe in the corollary ‘I am OK, you are not OK’. If such were not the case, TV soaps on the theme of saas-bahu would never have seen the light of day. With sorrow and depression all around us throughout the day, we want to relax with something light in the evening. Not be a victim of still more mental harassment in the hands of serial makers who have usurped prime time. We have been literally ‘k’-oed!!

The news used to be an exception – but, today, the news on whichever channel it may be and whoever may be doing the honors, is predictable. The segments have been judiciously broken up into Politics, Politics and Politics. The reason my friend is flying in the wind – all news have Political overtones. Whatever may be the subject (leaking of question papers, mismanagement of hospitals, accidents, murders or scams); the aggrieved and the aggressor invariably come from diametrically opposite camps.

budget horrorscope 2005-2006

2005-01-14T02:50:00.000-08:00

With the lengthening shadows of the Annual budget fast approaching I thought of having a go at creating a horror-scope for what the new financial year will have in store for us. With due apologies to Bejan Daruwalla from whom I have identified the Zodiac sign cross linked with the date ranges, here goes –

Aries (March 20 – April 19) - those born in this period of the year normally lead a healthy life. It is springtime and spring is one of the best seasons. Winter has gone and summer has yet to make an entry. With the end of the financial year, worries of meeting deadlines take a back seat. With holidays on the anvil, you should plan for some exotic holiday package. The FM is considering extending some concessions in hotel and airline bookings to attract more patrons.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – exercise care and caution in whatever you do. Do not be like a bull in a china shop. Frustration should not make an animal out of you. Vent your feelings on the stock market. The FM assures that the BSE will hover around 6500 throughout the year.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – it is all about believing in pairs. Sometimes you buy one and get one free – like the promotional ads. Sometimes they come in pairs – like shoes, socks. It is summer and with reduced availability of electricity, using the pair of hands by rotation to fan yourself becomes important. Like using your pair of legs to climb instead of using the elevator – because there is no electricity. They have been diverted to the fields to boost agricultural production so that we can allow the excess to rot in our cold storages. The FM is thinking of making provisions to extend suitable rebates to counter these hardships when a citizen is denied power supply.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – the word itself spells miseries. How one contacts this disease remains shrouded in mystery. It strikes suddenly and does not give you time to come to grips with the situation. The medics say that your days are numbered, as if you did not know. Apart from this, the period is devoted to the monsoons. Hence, water borne diseases enter the scene apart from cold, cough and all such related diseases. Those in the medical profession have a field day. The FM proposes to levy 1% surcharge on the taxes paid by the medics.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – it is the time of Independence. Lions that once used to roar, today meow. March past and salutes despite the rains are what these celebrations are all about. Unfurling the tricolor, singing the national anthem are all mandatory activities. And, of course, films like Manoj Kumar’s ‘Upkar’ and Raj Kumar’s ‘Tiranga’ are a must in the afternoon slot of the TV. The FM proposes incentives for more of such films.

Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) – chastity belts have gone out of fashion. It is for individuals to take necessary precautions. With the monsoons receding, floods are likely to be reported from some parts of the country. Keep a lot of loose changes with you to drop into those slots at road corners collecting donations for the flood affected. Also, keep old clothes bundled up for offloading to these unfortunate persons. The FM may increase the rebate amount for donations to such causes.

Libra (Sept 23 – October 22) – the festival season is upon us. Be careful how you plan to move around. Always be on the alert for characters with photo enabled mobiles. You never know where you may be thrown up! The FM plans to tax such phones at double the rate of ordinary mobiles. He knows that such taxation will not deter the users but, no harm in trying is his motto.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – like the song Mohammed Ali – ‘fly like a butterfly…he stings like a bee!’ Yes, the sting is very much there but the effect is lost. There have been quite a number of Scorpions who have made it big all over the World. May their tribe increase.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) – with the approach of winter, check the cupboard to find out how many moth eaten sweaters are there. The severity of winter is gradually vanishing from the plains. People blame it all on the concretisation of villages, on the depletion of the green cover. To rectify such after effects, our FM is thinking of giving incentive to those who are able to plant and maintain at least five trees in his neighborhood for a period of five years.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) – with probably the last of the festivals of the year viz. Christmas and New Year, winter vacations of the children and lapsable leaves of the employed, this is the best time to travel. The FM intends to popularize flying. Having invited foreign airlines, he has to ensure that they also get customers. So, some fantastic tax saving offers is being worked out by his Ministry.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 17) – do not be afraid of water. We are sending Mars probes to locate the existence of water in other planets. What is available on our planet is gradually getting contaminated and unpotable. Further results of industrialization. Projects of cleaning up the major rivers are resulting in the cleaning up of all our finances. Obviously, our FM is worried. Relying on bottled water is one option. Getting pure water from salt water is another option. The FM is seriously contemplating whether to grant tax holiday to those who can guarantee a continuous supply of pure water for at least five years. Why five? Well, that is the normal tenure of all MPs.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 19) – when disasters like the tsunami strikes it affects the availability of fish. You become like a fish out of water. Be careful of what type of fish comes to the markets. Go only for the fresh river fish. Try to avoid stuff that is laid out from the ice containers. If possible, go for the tinned varieties from other countries. They are available in plenty and are more hygienic. The FM is thinking of weaning people away from such foods by granting incentives to support the cause of milk and milk products. They are equally nourishing and wholesome.

what if

2005-01-11T05:06:00.000-08:00

There was a book I read quite sometime back entitled – ‘Stories that they would never let me do on TV.’ It was a compilation of crime and horror stories that were really chilling, to say the least – compiled by who else but the master of suspense Alfred Hitchcock.

On similar lines, I have sketched a few scenes that I would love to see – these are to be taken purely in the spirit in which they have been written. No offence is meant to any of the personalities. ‘MAD’ magazine would have gone wild on such matters …..

Lal Krishnaji with a cheroot in his lips
Ram Vilas promoting only shaving creams.
Sushama-tai modeling for black hair dye
Long Playing Lalooji in a checkered bow tie
Uma Bharati as a Tun-Tun in films
Mamata in Harrods with her latest paintings
Fida Hussain saab in shiny Adidas.
Govinda Acharya selling rosogollas.
Jyoti Basu in the role of an umpire
Chidam Baram talking only on tires
Jaya Amma clad in a shiny space suit.
Shibu Soren like Pied Piper on a flute
Kalamji walking with short measured steps
The Big-B with Veeru’s wonder biceps
Atal Behari preparing to run the marathon
Sourav Ganguli in place of Solomon
Shah Rukh Khan as an avatar of Bond
Aishwariya Rai minus all her diamonds
‘Harsha-ki-khoj’ ending with Pramod
Somnath and Jaitley rewriting all codes
Ravishing Raveena as Scarlet O’Hara
Number One Govinda as Shewag-ka-runner
The list can go on and we can really relax
Shekhar’s Poll-khol has not yet been axed!

discard dead weights

2004-11-06T07:14:00.000-08:00

‘Bhajji ka har bhajan dhyan se suno!’ Shiva clapped his hands in glee. ‘He has prevented a series whitewash – that too at home!’
Parvati alias Bette could not believe that it was happening here. She pinched himself to see if it was not a dream after all.
‘Yes my dear,’ Shiva said. ‘Just look at the way they have surrendered their wickets. It’s all ridiculous. 18 to 20 wickets falling in a day!! Do they have to catch any flight to anywhere?’
‘They were on flights of fancy till now,’ Bette said. ‘They should come down to earth and realize the basics – you can’t fool all the people all the time. A time will come when you will be exposed for what you really are.’
‘And that is?’ Ganesha alias Gunsey chipped in. He had just then strolled into Lord Shiva’s chamber.
‘A bunch of bloated characters – propped up by the media to cash in on an idea starved Nation,’ Shiva ground his teeth in anger.
‘And open the floodgates to facilitate entry of MNCs with their chips, cold drinks and perfumes,’ Bette completed.
Then began heated discussions on how our master blaster was humbled by the same bowler whom he had dispatched to all corners of the field at will only a couple of years back. Revenge was sweet! Our Dada boasted of being the second best team in the world, now he is struggling to retain the second lowest rung of the ladder. Shastri and Sidhu can do some research on what all went wrong and which were the turning points of each match – but, the fact remains: what do they now do?
‘Yes’, Shiva said – ‘what should they do now?’
‘If you ask my opinion, I think the Master Blaster could invest in a Mask Manufacturing business,’ Kartikeyan alias Kurt said. ‘Distributing hundreds of thousands of look alike masks will certainly create sufficient confusion. Remember the TV replays of two MBs on each half of the screen? The stance, the lift of the elbow, the movement of the feet were so very similar. The world had showered praises on the ‘clone’ and what a clown he is proving to be!!’
‘Yes,’ Saraswati alias Sarah commented. ‘Appearing in ads for suiting suits him who can continue to deliver.’
‘And what about our Laxman? What are your plans for him?’ Shiva asked Kurt.
‘From being very very sure, he has shifted gears to very very slow and then to very very sluggish. All the commentators have observed that he has forgotten how to use his legs. His legs seem to be rooted to the crease. He could start endorsing Instant fix adhesives like Fevicol or Fevi-kwik!’
‘As for Dada,’ Bette sighed, ‘he should realize that jumping for gold and silver Chyavanprash somehow does not go with being injury prone. Poor boy, I pity him’
It was left to Shiva to sum up the proceedings.
‘A shake up is certainly on the anvils,’ he said. ‘Youngsters are waiting in the sidelines. Induct them. Build up the team of the future. Retain those below 30 in the existing squad and groom young blood. Age must be on your side if you are serious about trying to lift the next World Cup.’
‘Right you are Dad,’ Kartikeyan nodded. ‘Look at my namesake – how wonderfully he played. Players like him need more chances.’
Gunsey, however, delivered the punch line.
‘When half chances go a-begging, when overthrows are the order of the day, when no-balls and wides come naturally to us, we gift our opponents runs that become crucial at the end.’ He said. ‘BCCI must scrap the silly system of payments recently introduced. Money does not grow on trees. It needs to be earned. Remuneration must be based on performance. Non performers are dead weight. To be discarded.’

rewriting our epitaph

2004-11-02T04:55:00.000-08:00

Shiva and his family were back in Kailash.

The recent hectic schedule had made each and everyone nervous – whether it was the tiny mouse that carried Lord Ganesha or the proud peacock with Kartikeyan astride. Even the ferocious lion heaved a sigh of relief on reaching the familiar mountains of the Himalayas. With each passing day, people were losing sight of the basics of creation. Nature should be allowed to take its own course. You just cannot dictate terms to her and order her to match your whims and fancies. A certain amount of restriction needs to be imposed – you should not play with Nature.

As Shiva was glancing through the morning papers, his mobile rang. He looked at the caller ID – it was his daughter Sarah, alias Saraswati. Holding the instrument gingerly to his ears, he grunted to make his presence felt.

‘They have axed some players,’ Sarah informed, casually.

‘Did it hurt?’

‘How should I know?’ Sarah replied. ‘It is strange that players who do not do what they are supposed to do keep getting selected. Ultimately, it is the poor captain who has to answer. It is really unfair.’

‘No, I do not agree,’ Shiva drawled in the newly acquired accent he had picked up during the Puja festivities down in Bengal. ‘The poor chap has so many obligations to meet not just in his own backyard but also in his own city. He does not have time even for his wife and kid. It is a wonder that he can still face the cameras with a deadpan face.’

‘Want to bet on the outcome of the next face-off,’ Sarah instigated her father.

‘What’s the use?’ Shiva was not in any mood to oblige. ‘Of course, Baruna, the rain god could have played an important role in the earlier encounter and become the saviour. But, the timing was all wrong. In an effort to please your Mother Parvati, the Team Manager forgot all about Baruna. He must take the full blame. After all, he is supposed to manage the complete set up. If he is unable to predict such situations and anticipate the basic remedies, the axe should fall on him first.’

‘Anyway, we are waiting for the Sphinx to rise from the ashes!’ Sarah said.

‘Our priorities are all wrong,’ Shiva sighed. ‘Whilst every country is grooming the team of the future – with their eyes on the next World cup - we are contented to watch our own players struggle to reach yet another landmark. A day might very well come when we will be humbled by our Eastern neighbors.’

‘You will have very few supporters if you talk so loosely about our wonderful team,’ Sarah cautioned.

Shiva roared with laughter.

‘Second to that of the Aussies, as some over enthusiastic individual said not so long ago. Sometimes I wonder how you could be so foolish,’ he continued. ‘In this modern age, with so much equipment available, winning is not just a game of chance any more but a planned output of a group of dedicated individuals who pride on wearing their country’s colours. What is the use of boasting about our software and laptops if we do not display our knowledge on the field where it matters?’

the seat syndrome

2004-09-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

Our beloved PM has embarked on a ten day mission to USA and UK and is slated to address the UN General assembly on Tuesday.

It is understood that one of the points in his agenda is to persuade the ‘B’ duo to recommend India for a permanent seat in the UN Security Council. The indications appear to be favorable and the present PM may well return with a feather in his turban. Of course, our very own big-‘B’ could have been chosen to be the brand ambassador since he has had a formidable experience of handling the ‘hot’ seat in his stupendous ‘Kaun banega crorepati’ comeback. He is also gaining accolades for featuring in ads as diverse as hair oil and cold drinks. However, instead of diverting our attention, let us lock on to the ‘seat’ and try to appreciate various activities connected to this subject.

The importance of the seat is growing in leaps and bounds. ‘Kissa kursi ka’ happens to be the order of the day.

Immediately after marriage, it has become customary for couples to book seats in the first available flight out of the country – Singapore and Mauritius are good choices! By the time honeymooning is over, they are advised to book seats in some reputable nursing home – last minute entrants are not encouraged. Everyone is expected to plan all his moves in advance! Once the child sees the light of day, the parents have to ensure a seat in one of the pre primary schools so that the kid can be groomed to capture a seat in a prestigious school. As the child grows up to become a young man, the parents start pulling strings to ensure a seat for him in either the engineering or the medicine branch. On completion of graduation, the protégé tries to wrest a seat of power in one of the MNCs. His less fortunate brethren attempt to capture seats of power in local politics so that, in time to come, they can occupy seats of power in their state capital or even in the national level! In order to understand this, they have to obviously understand the seat sharing philosophy – for which they must be able to identify able gurus.

I think the Education Ministry could consider introducing a compulsory subject on this delicate issue. It would open up newer avenues for recruitment and reduce unemployment. That is what the CMP is all about. The CMP defined by the CPM!!

the last laugh

2004-09-12T08:40:00.000-07:00

Shiva was again in one of his pensive moods.

He had reason to be pensive.

India, in the first match of the ICC tournament was unable to cross the 300 mark in Rose Bowl. They were within touching distance of that magical figure – even without the services of the only MBA in the team (fondly known as the Master Blaster of Adversaries!). The pitiful part was that, playing with minnows like Kenya, they should have gone for setting a record of sorts. In the bargain, the Kenyans managed to score a respectable score when they should have been scuttled out for much less. These were all sufficient reasons for worry because of two successive wins, the last match of Natwest and the first one of ICC! Since, Indians are great for inconsistency, the outcome of the next match hangs in the balance.

In a thoughtful mood, Shiva entered Saraswati nee Sarah’s room.

She was engrossed with her lap top. Crumpled packets of chips (potato chips) were littered all over the floor. On her table were three computers – one was showing past videos shot by Woolmer, the second one videos by Wright and the third the package developed by the Kumbles.

Shiva peered over her shoulders.
‘Seem to be worried. What’s up?’ he wanted to know.
She did not reply but just nodded.
‘Confide in Daddy,’ he said. ‘Two heads are always better than one. Share your thoughts!’
Sarah sighed.
‘I am trying to work out some solutions.’
‘To which specific problems?’
‘There are a number of them.’
‘For instance …?’
‘How to prevent Afridi from freeimg his arms? How to keep Inji mum? How to control the pair of Shoaibs? How to pull wool over Woolmer’s eyes?’
‘These are all our neighbors, aren’t they?’
‘Yes. But, come Sunday they will be our sworn enemies!!’
‘My dear child,’ Shiva smiled. ‘Don’t take these things too seriously. It is a game after all. One team will win, the other will lose. We are used to losses. Let us presume that we will maintain our tradition. Then, if we win, we can celebrate.’
‘That is a defeatist way of looking at things, isn’t it?’
‘Dear Sarah, just imagine – if by chance Veeru clicks, if our beloved Dada doesn’t nick, if by chance Bhajji conjures up three consecutive tricks from his hat (sorry, turban!) we can still have the last laugh.’

the natwest disaster

2004-09-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

Shiva, the Lord of Kailash, drew in a lungful of ganja smoke and, letting it slowly dribble out through his nostrils, he changed the TV channel.
‘What are you doing?’ his consort Parvati, alias Betty, shrieked from the adjoining kitchen – ‘I want to see the last ten overs. I am frying bhajiyas to munch while our players punch.’
Shiva retorted with a ‘huh!’
‘What do you mean by ‘huh!’?’ Betty demanded.
‘I fail to see the justification of displaying ‘LIVE’ when this game is already dead,’ Shiva replied.
‘But just now our wonder boy Kaif scored his fifty,’ Betty argued. ‘I bet we win this match hands down.’
‘Wishful thinking,’ Shiva muttered. ‘My dear wife, when you gift hat tricks, you don’t have any tricks left to play around with. You don’t have much room to maneuver your attack.’
‘You mean --?’
‘Yes. The so called second best ODI team in the world has come to naught for only 170 runs!! Like the Berlin wall, our wall has also crumpled. Thirteen is unlucky!’
‘I can’t believe that all this is really happening to us. We messed up in the Asia cup and were non-starters in Holland. Veeru was so confident of scoring a double century before leaving but he is having a lot of trouble to even come near a half century!!’
‘We have mastered the art of big talks therefore our opponents are allowed to think big. You remember that innings of 190 plus by Sanath? The record still remains unbroken.’
‘Of course, our names also feature in the record books as the losers,’ Betty was serious. ‘We shower gifts on our sports persons for performing within the country – but, when they go to international meets, they fail miserably and return with their tails between their legs. How do we come out of such situations?’
‘Banish all old timers and groom new blood,’ Shiva replied. ‘We need to overhaul the complete system – right from the top. When a team, so rich in batting strength has to rely on the number six and number seven to see them through, it is obvious that some thing is wrong. It is time to think of changes.’
‘Failing to reach the winning post seems to have become a habit for our boys,’ Betty said. ‘But, this is certainly not the end of the world. As King Bruce told the spider – ‘try, try and try and you will succeed.’
‘Yes,’ Shiva was his usual self. ‘Winning is never a fluke. It is invariably a result of executing well planned strategies with the strength of the best available ammunition. Never treat the opposition with disdain. You can’t always hit their bowlers for fours and sixes. They also have a trick or two up their sleeves and can spring surprises. Therefore, Team India - Lagey raho.’

bat and the ball

2004-09-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

Shiva sighed.
‘They are doing it yet again,’ ha moaned. ‘First they allow a 300 plus score to be built up and then they expect to slog their way out of trouble and are declared LBW second ball. Disgusting, to say the least!’
‘This is a passing phase, my dear Lord,’ Parvati, nee Bette consoled him. She was shelling peas to prepare paneer matar for dinner. ‘There is always light at the end of any tunnel.’
‘This tunnel seems to be an indefinitely long one,’ Shiva shook his head. ‘The way things are going, our players will become senior citizens by the time the tunnel ends!’
‘Don’t be such a pessimist!’ Betty begged to differ. ‘Improvement is bound to come. Just wait for the ICC matches to start. Our boys do not bother about the minnows. We have reserved our strength for the real fights.’
‘Yeah!’ Shiva lit his ganja filled chillum. ‘When catches come our way, we fumble, tumble and crumble. We wait for the ball to come whilst others jump to latch on to the ball from whichever direction it may be coming!’
‘You must realize that our poor boys are kept busy throughout the day,’ Betty came out strongly in support of our team. ‘They are committed to give those photo sessions for TV ads, interviews on TV and newspapers. And then there is Wright with his video cassettes showing all the mistakes that need to be corrected. The darlings do not have proper food or sleep. How then can you expect them to perform to their full potential?’
‘My dear wife,’ Shiva grinned. ‘You have done a fantastic analysis. That is why when we win a toss and elect to field, our gaindbaaz are unable to sight the stumps and gain the upper hand. As a result, the first ball goes way out side the off stump, is declared a wide ball and races to the boundary catching the wicket keeper totally unawares. The scoreboard shows five runs on the board without account the ball. The gaindbaaz now send the next ball way outside the leg stump. Result? Another five runs. I can bet, even the Bangladeshis would never tolerate such a carefree attitude!’
Betty could make out that Shiva was really disturbed.
‘Instead of having a single coach, we should increase the number of coaches to the number of ODI playing countries,’ she suggested.
‘How will that help?’ Shiva wanted to know. ‘When we bat first, we are unable to put up a competitive score. When we bowl first, we cannot prevent our opponents from piling up a massive score!!’
‘We have an Aussy coach – so we knew all about the strategies of the Aussies and were about to beat them. Therefore ‘-
‘You mean while playing Pak we should have Pak coaches and when playing Sri Lanka we should have Sri Lankan coaches?’
‘Exactly,’ Betty said. ‘TV channels are already searching for more photogenic faces to transform them into commentators. We should also throw our nets far and wide to pick up the best coaches in the market.’
Shiva sighed.
‘Parvati darling,’ he said, ‘what we now need is a new dedicated team of real youngsters bubbling with energy. Not players who shave off their mooch to look young when the actions betray the setting in of age!’
‘There is of course another solution,’ Parvati smiled.
‘Please let us share your thoughts.’
‘Why don’t we reverse the batting order? When our number seven, eight, nine and ten can reach fifties, why don’t we consider sending them in the beginning?’
‘I think this is a good idea. It should be conveyed to Dalmiah,’ Shiva heaved a sigh of relief. ‘Reversing our batting line up just might reverse our fortunes!!’

goldrush

2004-09-09T09:55:00.000-07:00

Ganesha, alias Gunsey, was known for his huge paunch, large molars and a prominent nose. The festivities associated with him run for ten solid days in Maharastra. In popularity, he surpasses his mother Durga (or Parvati or Betty, for short) who is sought after for only four days in a year! In fact, Gunsey is someone who needs to be invoked before any other deity is worshipped. Ganesha-bandana is a must. Especially, where money is involved. Nicknamed Siddhidata, if appeased properly, he can perform miracles in financial circles.
That is just what was going on....
Money Mohan, his associate Chhidam Broom and Mama Sonia were closeted with Gunsey in the inner room. They were trying to evolve a scheme to retain the support of the trio Niloo Basu, E. A. Choorie and ‘Dicky’ Raja. They had given the ultimatum – find a way out or we go out, if our views are not considered!
‘Hm!’ Gunsey grunted. ‘You do have a problem.’
‘A serious problem,’ Mama Sonia corrected him. ‘Cost of each and every item is skyrocketing. I know from my own experiences in the kitchen. In Italy also, same situation prevails. I myself could do with more funds. But, they need to be generated first!’
‘Yes,’ Gunsey stroked his long nose and closed his eyes in meditation. ‘What you need to do is to discover some hidden treasure. Then you and your people can share the spoils.’
‘Where do we find it?’ Chhidam Broom asked polishing his spectacles.
‘I was told that Nero Moody has discovered an oil reserve in his territory,’ Gunsey said. ‘Exploit it.’
‘That is an option no doubt,’ Money Mohan agreed patting his turban in place. ‘But, we would prefer to look for other alternatives first.’
‘Why don’t you dig for oil in areas where you are more comfortable?’ Gunsey asked. ‘If you lagey raho I am certain you will uncover more and more sources of such hidden treasure!’
The trio looked at each other.
Outside their chamber, Niloo, Choorie and Raja sat in grim silence. They must return with some positive decision otherwise they will cut a sorry figure with their clan.
Suddenly, Gunsey’s mobile woke up to the melodies of sarey jahan se achha…
Gunsey listened for a few seconds and as he listened, his face lit up with a smile.
‘You have heard about sona?’ he asked.
‘Who hasn’t?’ Mama Sonia was not amused. ‘Sona, chandi – gold and silver. There is a Gold Coast in Africa. The powder of sona has fantastic medicinal properties in Ayurveda.’
‘Madam – that was Sean Poorie on the mobile,’ Gunsey disclosed.
‘You mean the Son Pari of Star Plus?’ she was excited.
‘No. This was her cousin. She tells me that sona is available in Sonarpur. You can tell that to the trio waiting outside. They can go and start digging for gold in their own backyard.’
‘Kolar Gold Fields has outlived its utility,’ Money Mohan became philosophical. ‘You have to move to newer pastures.’
‘Yes,’ Ganesha had the last word – ‘Krishna must hand over the reins to Buddha!’

fashion

2004-09-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

Kartika, the youngest offspring of Shiva, the Lord of Kailash was in a dilemma. He had to go to the fashion show and, he was unable to decide as to who he should entrust with the responsibility of coming up with something that will set a trend of sorts. Kurt, alias Kartika, was fond of the good things of life. His mascot, the peacock, was one of the most beautiful birds in the world. When it spread its wings and danced to attract its mate, the glistening multi colored feathers were a treat to any eye. It was a sight to behold.
Kurt pondered what his new image should look like.
He was short. That did not matter. There were any number of short persons who have made it big. Sunny Gavaskar and Sachin Tendulkar were living examples. He must sport a head gear. That was important. He had seen all the various types worn by the Ministers when they visited different states. Each state boasted of its unique sample. And, the Ministers looked ridiculous in those turbans. But, still, they posed and were all smiles for the media. They certainly never cherished those photo sessions – but then, who cares. As long as the gullible public lapped it all up, the Ministers had to deliver.
Suddenly, a thought popped up in his mind. Why not contact the RUM Foundation? They groomed the girls for the innumerable beauty contests. They could suggest a proper designer!
Urvashi responded to his call.
‘Yes?’ her musical voice filled Kurt’s ears. ‘This is the RUM Foundation at your service. How can we be of use to you?’
‘This is Kurt. I want some ideas on the latest in fashion.’
‘Kurt-ji! What a pleasant surprise. The latest in fashion is that the girls are shedding and the boys are collecting. Ones loss is another’s gain.’
‘You mean in terms of kilos?’ Kurt asked.
‘No,’ Urvashi giggled. ‘In terms of clothes. I’m told that Solomon started the trend. Bare it all and be damned! Of course Mehmood-ji also did it in Padosan. But then, the script demanded it!’
The reply did not satisfy Kurt. He contacted Sarah, his sister – the knowledgeable one.
‘Hi sis! How’s your new CAD package?’
‘I’m just trying it out. Why do you ask?’
‘I want a new set of dress – for participating in the fashion week. I was wondering whether your package can help me out.’
‘You are a real dumb head,’ Sarah sighed. ‘My package is not meant for designing fancy clothes. It is for designing new education curriculum based on whoever is in power.’
‘Then who can help me?’
‘Why not try Rohit Bal or Ritu Beri. They should be your obvious choice. They are the experts.’

communication

2004-09-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

Parvati, alias Betty, the grand old Lady of Kailash was in a bad mood. Lord Shiva had not yet returned – nor had he sent any message. Betty’s outgoing traffic system was fully computerized but the service providers of her mobiles were not able to cope up with the ever increasing incoming traffic....
Betty longed for the good old days when communication was more personalized. One booked a trunk call in the morning and, if the lines were clear, one could be connected by evening – one had to bear with the odd case when the called person was not available. Of course, if one paid extra, the call could materialize by afternoon.
There was also letter writing.
An art by itself, the subject was handled with equal seriousness both in the school and college. Students had to learn different types of salutations – addressing a letter to an elderly relative was not the same as writing a letter to a friend or an official letter to the Departmental Head requesting for a days leave. Alas, things have changed. STD has removed the concept of distance and SMS has spawned a new culture of abbreviations. Today, when one wants to open a Bank account, one has to give not just ones postal address but the e-mail address and mobile number also. These are the basic requirements of identifying an individual!
Suddenly she heard the ‘dum-dum’ of a damroo followed by the clang of the trident as it was flung into a corner of the verandah.
Betty heaved a sigh of relief.
Shiva, her Lord, was home – in one piece.
‘What took you so long?’ she demanded an explanation as he entered the room..
‘They have dug up the roads again,’ Shiva replied. ‘Last time it was to lay electrical cables. Previous to that it was for laying water pipelines. Even earlier it was the telephone department.’
‘Well – who is responsible now?’
‘Yet another telephone network.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well – with the advancement of the telecom sector and, with more and more players entering the market, more and more cables need to be laid to cater to more and more connections!’
At this point of time Betty heard a rustle of feathers outside. An owl perched itself on the roof whilst the most elegant of swans waddled into the room heralding the arrival of the sisters Sarah and Lakme. One was the symbol of learning, the other the symbol of wealth.
‘Kya baat hai!’ Shiva could not hide his surprise on seeing both his daughters together. ‘Normally we never see you together. Am I to conclude that education has now become a money spinning affair?’
‘There appears to be a communication gap!’ Sara alias Saraswati smiled at her father’s ignorance. ‘I would rather say that education now belongs to those who can afford it.’

hookers paradise

2004-09-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

Gunsey frowned. He did not have any reason to frown because both the BSE and NSE indices were more or less steady. No bullish or bearish trends were visible in the market. Still he frowned. It was becoming more and more difficult to contain the ever increasing diameter of his centre section. He had tried all the belts advertised in the Asian Sky Shop. He had purchased various types of slimming oils extracted from exotic and unheard of herbs found only in the Amazon forest or the Congo basin or the Terai. As a last resort, he had enrolled in the highly expensive aerobic classes conducted by the team of renowned apsaras Rambha, Menoka and Urvashi – RUM for short. But all to no avail. In desperation he consulted Ganesha, his namesake and a well known astrologer. Ganesha in turn referred the case to another namesake Shivaji Ganesan, the doyen of Tamil films. Unfortunately, both were clueless. Gunsey, the young Lord of Kailash, was a strict vegetarian and his devotees pampered him throughout the year with umpteen types of irresistible milk products – leading to the inevitable.
Suddenly his mobile rang to the tunes of ‘yeh kya ho raha hai?’ – it was a serial in the making under the banner of Kartika, alias Kurt, his younger brother.
Gunsey glanced at the caller ID. It was Lakme, his sister on the line. Like him, she also was into Finance. People worshipped her but her popularity was not comparable top that of Gunsey. Like his nose, which was longer than Pinocchio’s, Gunsey enjoyed a larger share of everything. Yes, including money!
‘Bhaiya!’ Lakme sounded excited ‘aap nay latest baat sooni?’
‘Kya?’ Gunsey did not seem interested.
‘Government nay decision liya hai ki farmers ko ab say free bijli milegi! Achhi khabar hai na?’
‘It doesn’t convey any meaning. As it is, farmers never pay for their bijli. They are all hookers. It is they who have perfected the art of hooking!’
‘But how will the Government make up the loss?’
‘The Government loses nothing. In fact it gains popularity. The stock of the CM soars and he jumps at the opportunity of levying fresh taxes to offset the so-called loss.’
‘You are such a cynic! You seem to know all the wrong answers’
‘My answers are cent percent correct. MBA curriculum seldom teaches the finer points of how to remain in business. You have to read between the lines.’
‘Generating funds is no child’s play.’
‘No sis, you are totally out of sync with today’s world. Multiplication, that’s the name of the game. Don’t tell me that you have forgotten that beautiful song sung by Bobby Darin in Come September?’
Lakme switched off. Multiplication was a branch on Mathematics. She disliked the subject. Her sister Sarah was the expert in such matters. A chat with her would be more meaningful.

losers all

2004-09-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

losers all

Shiva had his eyes glued to the binocular focused on Kolkata.. The binocular was computerized. Sarah, his super intelligent daughter, had designed this prototype. She had explained to Shiva how to fine tune it and, that is just what Shiva was doing – he was fine tuning it to zero-in on the Conference Hall of the Eden Gardens. A chintan baithak was scheduled there. It was to be presided over by Dalmiya-ji and attended by stalwarts of cricket like Mac Pataudi, Bedi, Sunny, Vishy, Kapil & Co.. The inseparable twins Saaj and Awaaj had also arrived. Wright, tired of trying to set things right was in bed indisposed as also Andrew Leipus, who should draw inspiration from Bahubali. The topic for discussion was – why do we continuously falter at the winning post? Are we really a bunch of chokers, sorry jokers??
Suddenly, Betty descended on the scene. Shiva’s consort Parvati, alias Betty, was the all powerful Lady of Kailash.
‘What troubles you now?’ she demanded to know.
‘The team has been announced for the I C C I trophy’, Shiva mumbled. ‘ I am worried about our Loss ka Boss!’
‘I think you are confused’, Betty said. ‘That’s what happens when you do not listen carefully to the wordings of the beautiful ads.’
‘I may appear to be dumb but I am not,’ Shiva disagreed. ‘I know that the ad says ‘Toss-ka-Boss’. What I mean is the revised version which says ‘Loss-ka-Boss’! It is now with the agency. They are putting the finishing touches.’
‘Tell me – has that girl also come for the chintan baithak?’ Betty changed the subject. She, like all women, loved to change subjects whenever it suited her.
‘You mean Mandira?’ Shiva asked.
‘Yes – she may have some points to emphasize in the baithak. Shekhar should also come. They have improved their cricketing knowledge by leaps and bounds!’
‘Dear wife – please be serious. The honor of our country is at stake. We who boast of innumerable batting and bowling records must concentrate now on how to create records in the number of losses in the semi finals. As it is, some of our six-ball overs last for up to eighteen balls!!’
Just then Kurt entered.
‘Hi Dad, how about putting in a few good words to Dalmiya-ji on my behalf ?’ Kartika alias Kurt asked. He was Shiva’s youngest offspring.
‘Whatever for!’ Shiva was aghast. ‘You don’t even know how to hold a bat!’
‘Dear Dad – there are others in the team like me. I won’t be the exception’
‘So?’
‘We have one Kartikeyan – the Formula 1 driver. Another Kartika, yours truly, could become the lucky mascot of the team. We could then prove to the World that peacock jab peeta, India tab jeet ta!’

indian satire

2004-09-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

the chillum connection

Shiva was on the horns of a dilemma. The Lord of Kailash was fairly knowledgeable about horns because the Ox was his very own animal He had also heard of the Dalai Lama. But, a combination of the two was new to him..
‘Something on your mind?’ Betty asked as she made her way to the adjoining kitchen taking advantage of the ad break. Betty was short for Parvati - Shiva’s better half. Together they had a tremendous fan following all over the country.
‘I am unable to understand the rulers of our country,’ Shiva sighed. His chillum, like Sarah’s web pages, needed periodic refreshing. Sarah was one of his daughters, a very intelligent girl with a penchant for all types of fine arts. Of late, she was compelled to maintain an extremely tight work schedule. Students from all over the country were continuously SMS-ing her - requesting for her intervention in securing College admissions or getting class promotions....
‘What have your rulers done now?’ Betty queried. She had returned from her sojourn to the kitchen. She was now armed with a packet of the crispiest of chips. As she resumed her seat on the couch, the 6000th episode of KSBKBT went on the air.
‘It is not what they have done that worries me. It is what they have not done!’ Shiva grumbled as he drew in a long puff on his chillum and allowed the pungent smoke to gradually trickle out through his nose.
‘You mean about the mandir of Mandira?’ Betty queried.
‘No’, Shiva rolled his head from side to side, his eyes closed. He loved the world when in a trance.
‘Then it must be related to the Hindu Kush Parbat range!’ Betty remarked munching the crispy, salty delicacies. She had high BP and Dr. Dhanwantri had advised against intake of salt. But, kya karay – control nehi hota!
‘Wrong again’, the Lord of Kailash opened his eyes with difficulty, ‘why can’t they lay some pipelines from Bihar to Gujarat?’
‘Whatever for?’ Betty was aghast. ‘I have heard of the tunnel of love. Not the pipe of friendship. Do you think Laloo and Modi will become friends via this pipeline?’
‘You don’t understand’, Shiva rubbed his eyes. ‘The pipe will solve the perennial problem of flood and drought.’
‘There was a proposal to link all the major rivers,’ Betty said sniffling into her hanky. She felt sorry for poor Tulsi who has been putting on weight with every episode. The ‘K’ clan should send her off on vacation to some distant place (like Mars!) for at least six months.
‘That is just my problem’, Shiva was wide awake now. The shot of chillum had done its duty. ‘Why can’t they lay pipelines to transport water from places of abundance to places of scarcity - as they have done for oil?’
‘Yeah,’ Betty agreed. ‘They could even set up a National Water Redistribution Board and appoint Atalji its Chairman. I think I should pass the idea on to Sonia thro her dream’, Betty said crumpling the empty packet and letting out a sigh of satisfaction.