a drama of death

After the episode of Lord Ganesh drinking milk that made even the cynics pause for breath, it was the day of the living and the dead. A 75 year old priest Sri Kunjilal Malaviya of Betul district of MP declared that he would die between 3 pm and 4 pm on 20th October 2005 – the day happened to be his birthday as well!

Immediately one of the leading TV networks descended on the scene and positioned their reporter at the site. Throughout the day, he provided a minute by minute commentary of what was happening in a remote, unknown village. To complete the charade, experts were invited in the studios of the TV channel and their opinions sought. And, by roping in psychologists, astrologers and cynics through tele-conferencing, it was nothing but sensational journalism. Since this also happened to be the day of the Karwaa Chauth, a festival in which wives pray for the long lives of their husbands, the complete episode carried serious undertones. The channel lost no time in trying to gauge the pulse of viewers and promptly asked for responses via SMS. As predicted by the majority, Kunjilal-ji remained hale and hearty after the deadline expired.

The gentleman is an astrologer. He has not disclosed the method by which he deduced his moment of death – the fact that it did not take place is a plus point for all his well wishers, especially for his immediate family who prayed continuously that he return from the doors of Yamaraj. It would have been in the fitness of things if he had collapsed intentionally to give an indication that he is on his way to Fame. That would have prompted the doctors in attendance to ensure that he did not move out of this world! Kunjilal-ji could then have narrated how he had come face to face with Yamaraj and how he finally overcame the attractions of the nether world.

The incident proves once again that with the cut throat competition all around and to attract the maximum number of eyeballs and retain the number one slot, the media will go to any length – the other day it was a sting operation in which viewers had a glimpse of the mass scale bribery rampant in government offices. Next we were treated to scenes of a policeman caning a person – the person had entered a polling booth and carried with him guns, bottles of booze and hundreds of bank notes. He happened to be the brother of a Central Minister. The intention of such reporting is to make realization dawn that drastic steps are necessary to combat evils of this nature. But, this seldom happens. Such explicit visuals will, ultimately, go to the archives.

another interesting link –

amaar duniya

the ten proposals

(this is in continuation to ‘Budging from a dull Budget’)

First – introduce a new Tax for film producers. Termed as the Location Tax, it is to be paid whenever they move out to foreign locations to shoot half of a reel of utter nonsense. This Tax should be 10% of first week’s gross earnings. Normally, films nowadays do not have any earning potential after the first week. This Tax will be waived if the Location is in India.

Second – introduce one more tax, the Music Tax for loud blaring music. Make it mandatory that the music is to be produced with not more than four instruments. 10% of gross earnings should be charged as tax in case the decibel level cross the threshold of decency. Also, advance release of music cassettes/videos of forthcoming films must be covered under this category.

Third – introduce a Clothing Tax on the apparel of dancers and artistes. If the exposed portion of the body is less than 30%, this Tax becomes chargeable. The amount payable as tax will depend upon the number of performers and the number of seconds’ duration.

Fourth – let us have a taxation system for all shopkeepers and vendors in the markets who are allotted stalls. Let the local municipal authorities or the borough in-charges or the sarpanches collect a fixed rate of two rupees or five rupees per day. Little drops of water, little grains of sand ……

Fifth – tax all Nursing Homes based on the number of beds and cabins it has. Collection of this tax also should come under the purview of the local administration. Here also, a fixed amount should be paid in line with what is outlined above. Records in a particular nursing home would be available with the authorities because the approval for start of such services has to be given by them. So – assessment of what is payable can be worked out quite unambiguously.

Sixth – tax all coaching and tutorial classes. It is not difficult to find out the number of students who come to each coaching class. A flat rate of five rupees per student per subject per day can be easily thought of for introduction.

Seventh – introduce an Offspring Tax for those with more than two children. 5% of assessed income to be paid as tax per child beyond two. The assessment of income is to be done separately by a group of ten neighbors who should forward their findings to an independent body in a sealed envelope via registered post.

Eighth – yet another Tax that can be considered for introduction. A Tax on food. This Food Tax will be applicable if a family relies on eating out on a regular basis. How can one keep a tab on this? Simple – this is to be vouched for by the maid who comes in to do the dishes. She will be empowered to maintain a roster of how many days in a month she discovers that there are no dishes to clean.

Ninth – instead of publishing an exception list once in a while of high profile characters tax evaders; let us have a newspaper Supplement – once a year – on the tax actually paid by all these persons. They can be grouped into – screen/TV personalities, sportspersons, politicians, businessmen, industrialists, administrative group including the police. This will be more meaningful to the commoner. A glance at such information will help them form an idea of the credibility of these persons and how honest they are. I am doubtful if there will be any sponsors for such noble activities – it has, therefore, to be charged to overheads by the newspapers.

Tenth – abolish Income Tax consultants. They do more harm than good. They keep their pockets well lined, they maintain their lifestyles fully oiled but they never declare their incomes and deprive the Government from its dues by advising assesses on how to escape from the IT net. The authorities lose out on both the counts!

Since I have already earned the reputation of posting ‘too lengthy blogs’, I leave it to fellow bloggers to add to the list.

of accidents and limericks

It was not a fire but an accident
Said the Minister to the Parliament
We have searched all places
But could find no traces
Of any sinister involvement.

‘Politics doesn’t mix with chop sticks’,
Said the pack of chips to the masala mix.
‘Let us rule the roost
With toffee and boost
The morals of the one and only Sphinx.’

When aloo vanishes, Kaloo wrings his arms
‘How can I now relish my gulab jaams?
A heavy dose of mashed potatoes
If processed can soon decompose
Into good manure that can go to my farms.’

The clown one day refused to budge
It seems his horse had kicked the judge
So the ring master swore -
‘You’re no better than a bore
Who hasn’t yet learnt how to fudge.’

There was this young girl of the Doon
Who wanted to sing on the Moon
So she hired a sleek cab
And flew to the space Lab
To prove that she could also croon.

They met in the foyer and ran to the square
He held her hand tight and she asked – ‘where?’
‘To the bus stand fast,
Its already half past -
We must be there in time for the choir.’

fooling is the name of the game

How to ruin friends and fool around with the people is an art that takes up a lot of ones time. The amount of time that we devote to finding out ways and means of achieving our objective, if put to more constructive use, could make even God Almighty blush. The idle brain is the Devil’s workshop, so the saying goes. And who knows this better than you and me. We are forever trying out theories on how best to prove our one upmanship by pulling down our rivals. When we travel to work, our mental faculties work overtime to come up with methods of how best to pull down our colleagues – whether he (or she) is a close friend of the family is immaterial. Close friend is supposed to be interpreted as ‘someone who visits us and to whom we return the visit’. If he comes thrice a year, we also return the compliments thrice a year. This is the way the World goes. You or I cannot will it to go otherwise. Best sellers have been churned out on this topic, movies and serials have been made out of them and critics have come up with newer and newer methods of dissection and analysis.

We all know it is not good manners to talk ill about others, especially those near and dear to you like your neighbors, friends and relatives. Unfortunately, that is just how we gain maximum pleasure. The philosophy of ‘I am OK, you are OK’ is never put into practice. Majority of us believe in the corollary ‘I am OK, you are not OK’. If such were not the case, TV soaps on the theme of saas-bahu would never have seen the light of day. With sorrow and depression all around us throughout the day, we want to relax with something light in the evening. Not be a victim of still more mental harassment in the hands of serial makers who have usurped prime time. We have been literally ‘k’-oed!!

The news used to be an exception – but, today, the news on whichever channel it may be and whoever may be doing the honors, is predictable. The segments have been judiciously broken up into Politics, Politics and Politics. The reason my friend is flying in the wind – all news have Political overtones. Whatever may be the subject (leaking of question papers, mismanagement of hospitals, accidents, murders or scams); the aggrieved and the aggressor invariably come from diametrically opposite camps.

budget horrorscope 2005-2006

With the lengthening shadows of the Annual budget fast approaching I thought of having a go at creating a horror-scope for what the new financial year will have in store for us. With due apologies to Bejan Daruwalla from whom I have identified the Zodiac sign cross linked with the date ranges, here goes –

Aries (March 20 – April 19) - those born in this period of the year normally lead a healthy life. It is springtime and spring is one of the best seasons. Winter has gone and summer has yet to make an entry. With the end of the financial year, worries of meeting deadlines take a back seat. With holidays on the anvil, you should plan for some exotic holiday package. The FM is considering extending some concessions in hotel and airline bookings to attract more patrons.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – exercise care and caution in whatever you do. Do not be like a bull in a china shop. Frustration should not make an animal out of you. Vent your feelings on the stock market. The FM assures that the BSE will hover around 6500 throughout the year.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – it is all about believing in pairs. Sometimes you buy one and get one free – like the promotional ads. Sometimes they come in pairs – like shoes, socks. It is summer and with reduced availability of electricity, using the pair of hands by rotation to fan yourself becomes important. Like using your pair of legs to climb instead of using the elevator – because there is no electricity. They have been diverted to the fields to boost agricultural production so that we can allow the excess to rot in our cold storages. The FM is thinking of making provisions to extend suitable rebates to counter these hardships when a citizen is denied power supply.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – the word itself spells miseries. How one contacts this disease remains shrouded in mystery. It strikes suddenly and does not give you time to come to grips with the situation. The medics say that your days are numbered, as if you did not know. Apart from this, the period is devoted to the monsoons. Hence, water borne diseases enter the scene apart from cold, cough and all such related diseases. Those in the medical profession have a field day. The FM proposes to levy 1% surcharge on the taxes paid by the medics.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – it is the time of Independence. Lions that once used to roar, today meow. March past and salutes despite the rains are what these celebrations are all about. Unfurling the tricolor, singing the national anthem are all mandatory activities. And, of course, films like Manoj Kumar’s ‘Upkar’ and Raj Kumar’s ‘Tiranga’ are a must in the afternoon slot of the TV. The FM proposes incentives for more of such films.

Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) – chastity belts have gone out of fashion. It is for individuals to take necessary precautions. With the monsoons receding, floods are likely to be reported from some parts of the country. Keep a lot of loose changes with you to drop into those slots at road corners collecting donations for the flood affected. Also, keep old clothes bundled up for offloading to these unfortunate persons. The FM may increase the rebate amount for donations to such causes.

Libra (Sept 23 – October 22) – the festival season is upon us. Be careful how you plan to move around. Always be on the alert for characters with photo enabled mobiles. You never know where you may be thrown up! The FM plans to tax such phones at double the rate of ordinary mobiles. He knows that such taxation will not deter the users but, no harm in trying is his motto.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – like the song Mohammed Ali – ‘fly like a butterfly…he stings like a bee!’ Yes, the sting is very much there but the effect is lost. There have been quite a number of Scorpions who have made it big all over the World. May their tribe increase.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) – with the approach of winter, check the cupboard to find out how many moth eaten sweaters are there. The severity of winter is gradually vanishing from the plains. People blame it all on the concretisation of villages, on the depletion of the green cover. To rectify such after effects, our FM is thinking of giving incentive to those who are able to plant and maintain at least five trees in his neighborhood for a period of five years.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) – with probably the last of the festivals of the year viz. Christmas and New Year, winter vacations of the children and lapsable leaves of the employed, this is the best time to travel. The FM intends to popularize flying. Having invited foreign airlines, he has to ensure that they also get customers. So, some fantastic tax saving offers is being worked out by his Ministry.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 17) – do not be afraid of water. We are sending Mars probes to locate the existence of water in other planets. What is available on our planet is gradually getting contaminated and unpotable. Further results of industrialization. Projects of cleaning up the major rivers are resulting in the cleaning up of all our finances. Obviously, our FM is worried. Relying on bottled water is one option. Getting pure water from salt water is another option. The FM is seriously contemplating whether to grant tax holiday to those who can guarantee a continuous supply of pure water for at least five years. Why five? Well, that is the normal tenure of all MPs.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 19) – when disasters like the tsunami strikes it affects the availability of fish. You become like a fish out of water. Be careful of what type of fish comes to the markets. Go only for the fresh river fish. Try to avoid stuff that is laid out from the ice containers. If possible, go for the tinned varieties from other countries. They are available in plenty and are more hygienic. The FM is thinking of weaning people away from such foods by granting incentives to support the cause of milk and milk products. They are equally nourishing and wholesome.

what if

There was a book I read quite sometime back entitled – ‘Stories that they would never let me do on TV.’ It was a compilation of crime and horror stories that were really chilling, to say the least – compiled by who else but the master of suspense Alfred Hitchcock.

On similar lines, I have sketched a few scenes that I would love to see – these are to be taken purely in the spirit in which they have been written. No offence is meant to any of the personalities. ‘MAD’ magazine would have gone wild on such matters …..

Lal Krishnaji with a cheroot in his lips
Ram Vilas promoting only shaving creams.
Sushama-tai modeling for black hair dye
Long Playing Lalooji in a checkered bow tie
Uma Bharati as a Tun-Tun in films
Mamata in Harrods with her latest paintings
Fida Hussain saab in shiny Adidas.
Govinda Acharya selling rosogollas.
Jyoti Basu in the role of an umpire
Chidam Baram talking only on tires
Jaya Amma clad in a shiny space suit.
Shibu Soren like Pied Piper on a flute
Kalamji walking with short measured steps
The Big-B with Veeru’s wonder biceps
Atal Behari preparing to run the marathon
Sourav Ganguli in place of Solomon
Shah Rukh Khan as an avatar of Bond
Aishwariya Rai minus all her diamonds
‘Harsha-ki-khoj’ ending with Pramod
Somnath and Jaitley rewriting all codes
Ravishing Raveena as Scarlet O’Hara
Number One Govinda as Shewag-ka-runner
The list can go on and we can really relax
Shekhar’s Poll-khol has not yet been axed!

discard dead weights

‘Bhajji ka har bhajan dhyan se suno!’ Shiva clapped his hands in glee. ‘He has prevented a series whitewash – that too at home!’
Parvati alias Bette could not believe that it was happening here. She pinched himself to see if it was not a dream after all.
‘Yes my dear,’ Shiva said. ‘Just look at the way they have surrendered their wickets. It’s all ridiculous. 18 to 20 wickets falling in a day!! Do they have to catch any flight to anywhere?’
‘They were on flights of fancy till now,’ Bette said. ‘They should come down to earth and realize the basics – you can’t fool all the people all the time. A time will come when you will be exposed for what you really are.’
‘And that is?’ Ganesha alias Gunsey chipped in. He had just then strolled into Lord Shiva’s chamber.
‘A bunch of bloated characters – propped up by the media to cash in on an idea starved Nation,’ Shiva ground his teeth in anger.
‘And open the floodgates to facilitate entry of MNCs with their chips, cold drinks and perfumes,’ Bette completed.
Then began heated discussions on how our master blaster was humbled by the same bowler whom he had dispatched to all corners of the field at will only a couple of years back. Revenge was sweet! Our Dada boasted of being the second best team in the world, now he is struggling to retain the second lowest rung of the ladder. Shastri and Sidhu can do some research on what all went wrong and which were the turning points of each match – but, the fact remains: what do they now do?
‘Yes’, Shiva said – ‘what should they do now?’
‘If you ask my opinion, I think the Master Blaster could invest in a Mask Manufacturing business,’ Kartikeyan alias Kurt said. ‘Distributing hundreds of thousands of look alike masks will certainly create sufficient confusion. Remember the TV replays of two MBs on each half of the screen? The stance, the lift of the elbow, the movement of the feet were so very similar. The world had showered praises on the ‘clone’ and what a clown he is proving to be!!’
‘Yes,’ Saraswati alias Sarah commented. ‘Appearing in ads for suiting suits him who can continue to deliver.’
‘And what about our Laxman? What are your plans for him?’ Shiva asked Kurt.
‘From being very very sure, he has shifted gears to very very slow and then to very very sluggish. All the commentators have observed that he has forgotten how to use his legs. His legs seem to be rooted to the crease. He could start endorsing Instant fix adhesives like Fevicol or Fevi-kwik!’
‘As for Dada,’ Bette sighed, ‘he should realize that jumping for gold and silver Chyavanprash somehow does not go with being injury prone. Poor boy, I pity him’
It was left to Shiva to sum up the proceedings.
‘A shake up is certainly on the anvils,’ he said. ‘Youngsters are waiting in the sidelines. Induct them. Build up the team of the future. Retain those below 30 in the existing squad and groom young blood. Age must be on your side if you are serious about trying to lift the next World Cup.’
‘Right you are Dad,’ Kartikeyan nodded. ‘Look at my namesake – how wonderfully he played. Players like him need more chances.’
Gunsey, however, delivered the punch line.
‘When half chances go a-begging, when overthrows are the order of the day, when no-balls and wides come naturally to us, we gift our opponents runs that become crucial at the end.’ He said. ‘BCCI must scrap the silly system of payments recently introduced. Money does not grow on trees. It needs to be earned. Remuneration must be based on performance. Non performers are dead weight. To be discarded.’